YOUR "AUTHENTIC SELF" AND VULNERABILITY

Yesterday I talked about mindfulness and left off with the idea of  "authentic self." I like this idea of "authentic self." What does it mean to be your authentic self? At the very heart of it, being your authentic self means embracing your own vulnerability.

In one of my classes we watched at TED Talks video of Brene Brown, who is a scholar, researcher and social worker. Specifically, she researches vulnerability, guilt and shame, and connection. I love her mind and the way she thinks - she is analytical, insightful, intellectual and spiritual. If you want to check out the video click on this link:

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability?language=en#t-193056

So, Brown mentions that connections give purpose and meaning to our lives. Unless you're a recluse or have some sort of pathological condition, we all want and need to feel connected to others. This makes perfect sense because when you think about it, our lives are built around relationships - relationships with our parents, families, friends, romantic partners, and if you're in the majority, relationship with a higher power, whatever that may be.

Well, as Brown stated, in order for connections to happen we must allow ourselves, our real selves, our authentic selves, to be seen. We must be willing to embrace our own vulnerability.

VULNERABILITY. If you're like me, vulnerability was always a scary concept. I didn't like feeling vulnerable, it felt too exposed. It made me feel defenseless. When you're vulnerable you risk getting hurt. Granted, embracing an "invulnerable" identity protects you from getting hurt but it also blocks out the good stuff!

Brown mentioned that at the heart of vulnerability are two things: 1) courage - the courage to be imperfect 2) compassion - the compassion to be kind to ourselves in order to be compassionate to others. We must have the courage to tell our real stories and we must be willing to present our imperfect selves. For those who have struggled with perfection and acceptance, this realization can be very liberating!

By embracing our own vulnerability can we than make true connections. "Connection as a result of authenticity." So what does embracing vulnerability mean in real life? It means having the willingness to say "I love you" first, it means doing something without guarantees, it means willing to invest fully in a relationship that may go nowhere. It means putting yourself out there, presenting your imperfect, authentic self and opening up to the possibility of getting hurt.

Oh but nobody wants to get hurt right? In my previous post I talked about mindfulness as being aware of your emotions and feelings; as not running away from them but embracing them. Being aware of your feelings would allow you to perceive your thoughts as just thoughts and not as reality. So perhaps this is where mindfulness can come in to help ease some of that emotional pain/discomfort that you may experience.

Let's say you put yourself out there and got rejected. I chose rejection in particular because it's something I've tried to avoid at all costs in my past life. Rejection, to me, felt like the end of the world.Yes, it would hurt and my initial reaction would be to numb or avoid these feelings. But if I am able to step back and observe my emotions as emotions and not reality, I just realize that although I feel rejected, I am still worthy.

Brene Brown's quote nails it on the head "You are imperfect and you are wired for struggle; but you are worthy of love and belonging."

I am only recently learning to embrace my vulnerability but so far, it has been so liberating. It's lonely living in your own isolated world, invulnerable to the pains and hurts of this world. As I mentioned before, you protect yourself from getting hurt but you block out joy, acceptance and belonging too. I find that as I expose more of my authentic self to the world - the more connections I make with people. Totally worth it!

SCHOOL, LIFE AND MINDFULNESS. ABOVE ALL - SELF-CARE!

I've been neglecting this blog because I've been so terribly busy with school and work. My day consists of working 8-5pm followed by 3-4 hours of school work, depending on how much work we have. I've also been busy doing some fun, awesome, wholesome things with an amazing friend! More on this later.

But I love school and the program and I feel that I am in the right place at the right time. I am learning a lot from our curriculum and I feel that I can apply a lot of it to my own personal life. I will continue to share with you but right now I want to focus on a few things that have meant the most to me lately. Perhaps these could help you with your own self-care. Side note: "self-care" is a term I've seen so much in the program - can you tell I am in the field of social work?! I love it and will encourage it from here on out.

In my social work courses we have discussed a few concepts that have touched me at my core - the first concept I would like to discuss is mindfulness.

Mindfulness - what does that mean? Mindfulness means being in the present, being aware of your own thoughts, emotions and sensations. Mindfulness encourages us to focus on our thoughts, emotions, and sensations - and accepting them without judgment. How does one practice being mindful, you ask? Simple.

1) Breathe! Focus on breathing to help you relax and perceive this very moment.
2) Pay attention to what is around you - your surroundings, sights sounds, your own thoughts and emotions.
3) Focus on physical sensations - taste and touch.
4) Do one thing at a time - avoid multitasking! Hard to do, I know, especially in this fast paced world.
5) Eat slowly and enjoy your food.

Some key aspects of mindfulness:

1) The present is neutral; don't allow your judgments to distort reality.
2) Don't judge your thoughts and emotions.
3) THIS ONE IS ESPECIALLY IMPORTANT - Don't avoid uncomfortable feelings! Rather than avoiding them, identify what you're feeling. In mindfulness, you move towards uncomfortable feelings/experiences intentionally. Rather than avoiding them, you embrace them - even the uncomfortable feelings.
4) Through mindfulness, you learn to observe your thoughts as "thoughts" as opposed to "reality," which means that you're able to "respond" to situations as opposed to "react." Through responding, you are able to choose how you respond. By doing this, you are able to take the "high road" in life.

I tend to daydream - a lot. If I am bored or uncomfortable with something, my mind wanders. I think about the past and the future and the eternal - which aren't bad things in themselves. But my mind is always elsewhere which means that I am not living in the present! It has been difficult to focus on and identify my thoughts when I'm so accustomed to avoiding or altering them. 

I think that a lot of people try to avoid, alter or numb their thoughts and feelings through alcohol and substance abuse.  Or perhaps they are work-aholics or exercise-aholics or what-have-you. Here's the thing - those feelings that you're trying to avoid will still be there later. I've learned this lesson myself.

Truth is, there's beauty in confronting your emotions and embracing them, even the painful ones. It's human to feel and experience your emotions. Not only that, it is empowering when you realize that your emotions don't control you. As a person who was, more or less, governed by my emotions and feelings in the past, practicing mindfulness is helping me to become more of my authentic self.

"Authentic self" - I love that idea! Which brings me to my next post - vulnerability. This will have to wait, however, because I have some papers to write.

Peace out and practice self-care!

NANA REGION VERNACULAR

“Your accent is starting to change,” a friend recently told me.

“Really?” I asked. “What do you mean?”

“When you talk, it’s more sing-song, your intonation goes up and down. And the way you pronounce certain words...”

“Huh, I hadn’t even noticed.”

A long-time friend recently commented on my changing accent during one of our phone conversations. Apparently I am beginning to sound more like Kotzebue people! I was pleasantly surprised to hear this especially considering that I’m often told that I sound like a white person. After she had mentioned this, I began to consciously listen to myself and I found that I do say things a certain way and that I couldn’t really help it.

It’s funny how language works. Since I have been back in Kotzebue (for four years now), I have acquired, or rather, re-acquired, a number of habits and mannerisms that I had all but forgotten after living in the city. Many people in the NANA region often use body language to express themselves. Some examples: 1) the eyebrow raise 2) the face scrunch 3) the shrug.

The eyebrow raise occurs when someone asks you a question and you answer “yes” by simply raising both your eyebrows. A lot of nurses tell me that when they first started working in the region, they thought that patients were ignoring them when they asked them a question, only to find out later that they were indeed answering “yes,” but just with their eyebrows. I find that I do this a lot more, especially when I am in Kivalina. Why answer vocally when a simple eyebrow raise would suffice?

The face scrunch is something that is particular to this region, it would seem.The face scrunch, or nose scrunch, occurs when you answer a “no” by scrunching your nose. My aaqa did this a lot and it’s a very cute gesture. My little cousin takes it one step further and scrunches very quickly, so that she looks like a squirrel or bunny rabbit.

The shoulder shrug is self-explanatory - when you don’t know something, you shrug your shoulders. You also shrug your shoulders when you've stated something and you really don't have that much more to say about it.

I find that it is easy for me to transition from one form of communication style to another. When I am speaking to family, my accent comes out a bit but when I am speaking formally, i.e. to strangers or in formal situations, my city accent comes out. It’s not that I am trying to be two-faced, it’s just a way of adapting yourself to various situations. My mom has the same habit, when she is on the telephone with a stranger or formal acquaintance, she sounds professional and formal. When she is talking to family from home, her accent comes out, intonation and all. It’s actually funny to notice the huge change that occurs.  

I think it’s especially cute when non-Inupiaq kids pick up NANA region accent and vernacular. My Latina friend and her husband are originally from California and have been raising their children in Kotzebue for the last several years. I think it’s so adorable when their kids speak with an accent and use Inupiaq expressions like “arriii!” or “I want to follow!” Nurses will often mention how their kids are picking up the accent as well.

Here are some common NANA region expressions:

1. “Arriii” - an expression of displeasure, dislike. A very Inupiaq phrase - people, especially kids, say it when they are whining or complaining.
2. “To follow” - when you want to go with someone. Adult: “I’m going to the store.” Kid: “I wanna follow!”
3. “Yuh” (as in, yes, yeah, uh huh). This is one of my favorites lol, especially how Kivalina people say it.
4. “I never” as in “I didn’t” - “I never eat yet” etc.
5. “How many” instead of “several.” For example, “I haven’t been home in how many years.” I noticed that my brother-in-law started saying this after having been married to my sister for...how many years.

Some other common practices:

1. Speak in the present tense whenever possible. This is especially true when story-telling - a storyteller will recount a story in the present tense, as if in his/her mind he or she is reliving the story at that exact moment.
2. NANA region vernacular seems a bit passive, at least, from my perspective. For example, if you want someone to hand you something, some people will say “Try hand me that,” or “try move.” Perhaps it's a way of being more polite or wanting to seem less demanding. I prefer to be a little more direct and say “Can you hand me that please?”
3. Many English-first speakers will anglicize Inupiaq words, like adding English suffixes to Inupiaq words. For example, I heard someone once say “It’s alapaa-er there” (“alapaa” means “it’s cold”). When children are talking of someone who qivets (“qivet” means “to sulk”), they will call that person a “qiveter," or "so-and-so is qiveting."

NEW JOB, NEW SEMESTER, NEW LOCATION!

Hi there! I have been exceptionally busy these last two months. I have found a new job in Kotzebue and have relocated to Kotzebue and am now a permanent resident! I am in the process of looking for an affordable place to rent here which is no easy feat - an efficiency goes for nearly $1300 here. So, for the last month or so I have been packing and cleaning and getting ready for my move.

I also made a special trip to Arcata, California for a 3-day intensive for school. I am enrolled in a part-time MSW program at Humboldt State University and traveled to campus to meet the instructors and my cohort. I must say that, so far, I love the program, the curriculum and the instructors! The instructors are passionate and so far (in the 2 weeks since we started) the course materials are stimulating and challenging. I am enthralled to begin this new journey and am looking forward to the next 3 years.

While in Arcata I got to see one of my very good friends after four years and had the honor of meeting her 3 year-old son. I was happy to see my friend and her family again and am looking forward to our time together in the next 3 years, since I will have to make a yearly trip to campus. My friend and her family are awesome - they are very kind, gentle, funny people. I have learned a lot about what it means to be human in my interactions with her and her family. They are from the Hoopa Valley Tribe and I've had a glimpse of what it means to be Indigenous in California. I would like to share my experience today.

While in Arcata, my friend was going to show me some of their ceremonial grounds, where they held dances and such. We were driving along the highway and suddenly stopped - I thought that we were going to check out some tourist attraction, perhaps a pretty view of the ocean. As it turned out, we had arrived at the actual location. This kind of shocked me because their traditional land is located in the heart of State, public land. The highway is right there, where there is little to no privacy.

She showed me their houses they had built and I was taken aback that there were tourists walking around. She explained to me that their land was also on State land, so that they often had to contend with tourists walking in on some of their ceremonies and taking pictures. One time, they had built a ceremonial fire only to come back to see a white family roasting marshmallows and hot dogs in the fire. Regarding use of their traditional land, they must jump through several bureaucratic hoops with the State to use it. For example, when they want to have special events, they must plan ahead and start the approval process very early (in the meantime, it is okay for tourists to do whatever they want whenever they want).

I was speechless and this terrible feeling in my gut because our experience in Kotzebue is very different. For example, we have fish camps where we go to prepare traditional food. These camps are typically outside of town and so they are relatively isolated and we rarely see tourists or outsiders, save for the occasional State Park people doing research on birds or what-have-you. We certainly don't get tourists coming in and taking pictures whenever they want to (although I have had white strangers taking random, unsolicited photos of us at in Anchorage and Kotzebue).

That experience has stayed with me ever since and I understood oppression at a deeper level. Americans are very aware of personal space, we typically don't like people intruding upon our personal space. And yet to have tourists coming in when my friend was sharing with me some of their personal things made me think that it must be that much more worse for her family.

There is also that sense of entitlement on part of the tourists. I would never think to go to someone's church ceremonies and take random photos of the people and yet, many tourists feel that they are entitled to do this. I think that it is a prime example of privilege too, both white privilege and the fact that my family and I have special privileges that my Hoopa friends don't have. That experience made me realize that we take our land and privacy for granted.

I will talk a little bit more about white privilege sometimes soon (this was actually a topic in one of my classes and so it will be interesting to revisit it). 

SUICIDE: CONTINUED

There have been a string of deaths in the region lately, which takes it’s toll on community members. Living in small communities means that everyone is affected when a loved one dies. There was one tragic death - a suicide - that broke the hearts of many. A young Kotzebue man, a friend and relative, killed himself in October. Everyone, including myself, was shocked that this gentle, kind, funny man would do that. When things like this happens, you ask yourself, “What were the warning signs? What did we miss? How could we have helped?”

It’s heartbreaking when our people decide to take their lives, especially when help is available. When individuals take their own lives, some community members start pointing fingers, they start looking for someone to blame, a scapegoat. I think that blaming others is destructive to the community. It creates discord and resentment and doesn’t get to the heart of the matter.

Rather than looking for someone to blame, we should take a more constructive approach. We can begin to ask ourselves:

• Why do our people, especially our young people, lack the healthy coping skills needed in order to survive?
• What are the specific stressors that plague our communities and how can we teach our people to deal with these stressors in healthy ways?
• When did suicide become an acceptable “solution” to dealing with life’s problems? Why do our people even consider this as a solution to our problems?
• What are we going to do to prevent this from occurring with future generations? How are we going to address it?

It’s so hard when a loved one succumbs to this but it must be said: when a family member commits suicide, he or she made that choice. Their partners, family members, and friends did not force them to do it. Blaming someone will not bring that person back and it certainly doesn’t help ease the pain. I think it just creates more anger and hatred.

What’s really hard is when you see a loved one struggle and you can see them heading down that path. You recognize the warning signs and so you offer help, support and encouragement. But sometimes they don’t want help from others. What do you do in this situation? How can you help someone who won’t help themselves? Times like this I get discouraged and start to feel helpless.

I don’t think that there is one immediate, final solution to the problem. We must begin when our children are babies and let them know that they are secure and safe in our love and comfort. We must teach them healthy coping skills as children because life is hard and we need all the help we can get. We must encourage our people to make healthy, positive choices rather than turning to substances and alcohol. We must have effective crisis intervention programs that deal with the immediate situation as well as provide support long after the crisis has passed.

I recently came across a Facebook page called "I sing. You dance." (https://www.facebook.com/I.Sing.You.Dance). A young man from Toksook Bay, Byron Nicholai, created the page, which has nearly 9,600 likes. He is a Yup'ik singer and dancer whose first language is Yup'ik. On singing he wrote, "When I make my videos I just press record then sing what's on my mind. That's how I make the songs. I just start singing." Visit his page and you will just how talented he is.

Seeing young Indigenous people, like Byron Nicholai, who know and live their traditions, fills my heart with pride and hope. There is hope and we must keep on truckin'! 

We can look to our traditions - our language, our dances and songs, our hunting and fishing - everything -  to build strong, unshakeable identities that can withstand the troubles of life. Our ancestors survived for thousands of years in the harsh Arctic climate and we can draw on our traditions to deal with modern issues. We just have to be creative and proactive.

2013 QATNUT DANCERS

I’ve been re-watching my videos of the 2013 Qatnut (trade fair) dance performances recently. For those who may not know, the trade fair was historically held at camp Sisaulik, when people from different communities gathered to trade, dance, and participate in traditional events and competitions such as the blanket toss, kayak races, food eating contests. The tradition continues today as there is dancing, fashion shows and crafts.

2013 Qatnut at Kotzebue: all-dancers circle.

Anyways,  I love to watch Inupiaq dancers perform. The beat of the drum gives me goosebumps and I love how the dances tell stories. If I weren’t too self-conscious I would learn. As a child I remember that Inupiaq dancing was discouraged, at least in my family it was. According to the missionaries, Inupiaq dancing was considered “evil,” thus forbidding us to dance. I remember when we had “Inupiaq days” at school we would learn various aspects of Inupiaq culture - the language, dancing, crafts, etc. A teacher would come and show us dance moves, during which time I would sit out and watch. I really wanted to join but not wanting to displease my aana, I watched from the back of the classroom.

Traditional dancing is making a comeback as it is now viewed as a reflection of the culture, rather than as “evil” practices. It is an expression of Inupiaq culture, a chance for community members to gather and celebrate. At Qatnut performers from different communities traveled to Kotzebue to dance. There were our Russian neighbors (Siberian Yupik), dancers from Point Hope, Kivalina, Kotzebue, Noatak, Wainwright and Barrow. Our Russian neighbors caused quite a commotion with their arrival, with people often asking “Did you see the Russians?” There were fantastic dancers and their array of dances included a "Brother and Sister" dance that made the audience chuckle, as the dancers reversed roles, the woman dancing as the brother and the man as the sister. The movements were comical and exaggerated.

I enjoyed watching the Kivalina dancers as well and thought that they were good performers. Their male dancers were tall and athletic, a reflection of how active they are and the traditional food they eat. I think that the more remote the village, the better the dancers. Barrow stood out in that their dancers were young - an adolescent boy who won the male youth contest and two tiny, perhaps 4 years and younger, boy and girl dancers. The younger dancers often looked to the older dancers for guidance and the ladies in the audience moaned sighs of affection as the little dancers performed.

The strongest performers hailed from Wainwright - the Utuqqagmiut dancers. The Utuqqagmiut dancers were actually invited to and performed at the 57th Presidential Inauguration Parade in Jan. 2013 in the nation’s capital. At Qatnut, they were exceptional performers, especially their female dancers. They wore matching dancing regalia - black atikluqs and pants with multicolored lining, mukluks and gloves. The women dancers were mesmerizing as they danced in sync, their movements controlled and deliberate. Their feet were planted firmly to the ground, their knees bent lower than most women dancers. The most talented dancers danced in near-perfect rhythm with the drumbeat. What’s more - they weren’t flashy or trying to show off. As my friend remarked, “their strength comes from within.”

Usually in any dance group you can tell which dancers are the most talented but it seemed that most of the women dancers were strong performers. In fact, I would argue that they were better dancers than the men. I enjoyed all of their dances but one of my favorite dances was the whaling dance. Three men and one woman performed, the dance starting out somewhat slow and calm, as most dances do. Then, as the drumbeat quickened and the singers sang louder, the dancers began to “chase” the whale in their boat. In this dance, the performers moved as if they were really giving chase. You could feel the energy of the crowd as people cheered while the dancers pursued the imaginary whale. The dance was so good that the dancers performed an encore.

It was especially touching to see the elders dance at the end of the performances. Wainwright's elders, for example, danced for us, each dancer flaunting his or her own style. The audience cheered loudly and applauded their performances. My heart swells with pride and respect to see our elders dance.

I'm trying to upload some of my videos but it takes forever! I will keep trying and I would like to include more photos. Stay tuned.

THE ULU: A SYMBOL OF INUPIAQ WOMANHOOD

In my opinion, there are three things that represent Inupiaq womanhood: an ulu, seal oil, and sourdough. An ulu is a woman's knife that is usually made with a handle (wooden or ivory) and a blade (saw blade typically). Back in the day women often used ulus made of stone.  I say it is a woman's knife because that is exactly what it is: a knife that is used almost exclusively by women. You probably wouldn't see a man using an ulu as he would use a regular knife and if he were using an ulu, it might seem a bit unusual and silly. Perhaps this is an indicator of the traditional gendered roles in Inupiaq culture, I don't know.

Anyway, women use their ulus to cut up ugruk, fish, muktuk, caribou, moose, vegetables, etc etc etc. These handy instruments can cut up most things and are often a superior choice to knives. Wanna cut up some quaq (frozen meat/fish)? Grab an ulu. Need to cut vegetables? Cut up an entire ugruk? Cut up some muktuk? Use your ulu.

My tiny ulu: a symbol of my early childhood and time spent in Kivalina.

Both my aana (maternal grandmother) and aaqa (paternal grandmother) have a collection of ulus, some right handed, some left handed, some big ones, some designed to fit smaller hands. At fish camp we would use ulus to clean up the ugruk meat and cut fish. A skilled woman could even use the ulu blade to scale fish (we used knives). While working my aana would bring out her box of ulus and rotate them, using one ulu until the blade became dull with use, switching it out to another ulu, and so on, until all the ulus needed sharpening. I prefer smaller ulus as they are easier to use, especially for an unskilled user.

My aaqa's ulu: a symbol of Inupiaq womanhood.

My aaqa gave me tiny ulu as a child and I've kept it all these years. To me, it is a symbol of affection and love and the time I spent in Kivalina in my early childhood. During my recent trip to Kivalina, I acquired one of my most prized possessions: my aaqa's first ulu. My aapa (paternal grandfather) told me that when she first got it the blade was huge. After years of use and sharpening the blade has become a lot smaller. The wooden handle is smooth and knicked, the blade oxidized and discolored. I love it.

My aaqa is a hardworking, loving, kind, gentle and resilient woman. These are known facts. She's also funny as heck and always finds humor in even the most difficult situations. My aana is also a strong, hardworking, generous and meticulous. And so you can see why an ulu represents the finer aspects of Inupiaq womanhood.

Ulus also represent tradition and knowledge. I aspire to be like my aana and aaqa. One of my goals, as an Inupiaq woman, is to become a skilled ulu user.