Yesterday I discussed sexism and misogyny and the fact that we live in a culture of silence. Today I would like to elaborate on that, especially concerning sexual assault.
What is sexual assault? The USDOJ (http://www.ovw.usdoj.gov/sexassault.htm) defines sexual assault as “any type of sexual contact or behavior that occurs without the explicit consent of the recipient.” This includes forced sexual intercourse, sodomy, child molestation, incest, fondling, and attempted rape.
The rate of rape in Alaska is 2.5 times the national average and child sexual assault is almost 6 times the national average (http://www.ncadv.org/files/Alaska.pdf). The majority of the victims are Alaska Native women - statistically, 1 out of 3 Alaska Native and American Indian women will be raped in their lifetime. Remember, these are numbers of reported rapes - who knows how many rapes go unreported.
There are limited services available for victims of sexual assault, especially when it comes to remote villages. Some propose that the State should provide more services to victims and that there be harsher punishment of convicted offenders, both of which are very reasonable solutions. However, given that there is limited funding and services, we cannot rely solely on the State to deal with these issues. Also, providing services for victims after the assault occurs is reactive and with these staggering rates, it behooves the communities to take a proactive stance in dealing with sexual assault. But how?
Well, in part, I think this means ending this culture of silence.
In my community there is a known sexual deviant who has a history of harassing and molesting women, especially women in vulnerable situations. This man has been a patient at the hospital and it falls upon the nurses to watch him because he has entered other patient rooms and verbally harassed female patients. He has harassed other elderly women in the community, who choose to remain silent about these encounters. This man is an active member of a local church and everyone knows that he is a sexual deviant, but no one says anything. One of the nurses asked me, “Why doesn’t anyone say or do anything?” “We live in a culture of silence,” I replied. I didn’t know how else to respond.
Also in my community there are convicted child molesters who freely roam about who are non-compliant with sex offender registry policies. In some cases, some are left alone with children, placing the children in vulnerable and potentially harmful situations in which molestation is a real possibility. Family members are reluctant to have their children interact with these offenders yet they remain silent. They don’t voice their discomfort but instead discuss it behind closed doors.
Regarding sexual assault, some victims are shamed into silence, often by their own community and family members. In some instances they are blamed and some are even threatened to remain silent. I can think of one case in particular in which a young woman, a victim of rape, pressed charges on her assailant, much to the dismay of at least one elderly family member.
I honestly don’t understand these types of responses. Is it in our nature to protect the man? Are we so inclined to avoid conflict that we choose not to speak out, for fear of “rocking the boat”? What is so difficult about speaking the truth? By remaining silent we are allowing these crimes to occur and re-occur. The cycle continues and our communities continue to suffer. When is enough enough?
Saturday, November 16, 2013
Friday, November 15, 2013
I COME FROM A SEXIST AND MISOGYNISTIC CULTURE
It’s been a long absence I know but a lot has happened since I last wrote. Today I would like to discuss the fact that I come from a sexist and misogynistic culture. It’s not an easy thing to admit and I think a lot of people would be reluctant, if not downright against it, to admit this. Why do I say this? Let me tell you.
In July, Qatnut, the trade fair, took place in Kotzebue. It was an eventful occasion because our Russian neighbors attended Qatnut and danced for us. They were fantastic dancers and had an array of interesting and sometimes funny dances. They are Siberian Yup'ik and wore real fur dancing regalia and beat drums made of skin. I love to watch dancing and I enjoyed myself immensely.
One night, following performances by various groups, I decided to take a walk around town. Although it was raining I wanted to reflect on the dances and just enjoy the evening. As I was walking towards 3rd street, I just happened to look to my right when I made eye contact with a young man who was evidently drunk. Not wanting to interact with him I quickly averted my gaze and continued walking. This didn’t work and the young man took our brief encounter as an invitation to talk and began to follow me while asking several questions. Not wanting to be rude, I answered his questions politely but briefly. He seemed polite at first and so I didn’t mind...too much.
As he followed me down 3rd towards the school I began to feel embarrassed because I didn’t want people to think that we were, in any way, together. He told me about himself, his work, where he came from, etc. I asked for his name because I wanted to know with whom I was dealing, just in case. Without even blinking he told me.
He followed me to the school and after informing me that he had to pee, very badly, he took off and went behind a dumpster (gross, I know). I took this as a chance to escape so I began running and ran around the school. I figured that he might’ve been too drunk to catch up so I let my guard down and slowed down to a walking pace. Not too long after I saw him running towards me. Arrrggggggh...he wouldn't give up! He seemed harmless but bothersome.
The discussion quickly turned to sex. He asked me to get a room at the hotel, to which I firmly replied no! Then he asked repeatedly, while laughing, if I was an escort. I took this as a way of him justifying his actions. If I was an escort, a prostitute, it was okay for him to talk to me this way. He was justified. I had to decline his offer to get a room several times.
Finally, as we were walking down 3rd again, he began to physically pull me to the side of the road towards some buildings. He did this several times even though I said "no!" I didn't feel that I was in danger but I was very upset. Finally, after several failed attempts, he gave up and took off.
Following the incident I vented to some friends via text. Some laughed it off while others simply said “Eew.” I wasn’t satisfied with these responses, I didn’t feel that they helped me in any way. I continued to think about the incident and discussed it with another friend at work. She told me, "I would have called the police." Now why didn't I think of that? So I decided to call the police just to see what my options were, should it happen again.
I called KPD and asked them what were my options were, if something like this should happen again? The dispatcher didn't tell me at first but simply asked "What happened?" I recounted my story and he transferred me to a police officer. After telling him what happened, he asked me if I knew his name. "Travis Kennelly..or something to that effect." "Travis Kenworthy?" he asked. "Yes, that's it! Shaved head?" "Yes, I know Travis. Do you want me to talk to him? If he was drunk he might not remember but I can still talk to him." I agreed that maybe he won't remember but yes, please talk to him, perhaps this will get him thinking. I left it at that.
There were several things about this incident that bothered me. First of all, this happens quite often. Drunk men accost women and because it happens frequently, people shrug it off. Take my friends' responses for example. The incident was more than just "eew." And just because alcohol was a factor, just because they were drunk, does NOT make it okay.
Secondly, drunk or not, is this how some men view women? As "escorts," prostitutes, women there to satisfy their sexual needs when they want it? Has our culture sexualized women so much that they are now just objects?
Another thing that bothered me was my response, or lack thereof. Even though I didn't want to talk to him, even though I didn't want him to follow me and even though what he said was offensive and disrespectful and wrong on many levels, I didn't say anything. I was almost complacent to shrug off the whole incident. I am a reflection of the culture and we live in a culture of silence. And perhaps this is what bothered me the most.
After giving it more thought, I resolved to confront Mr. Travis Kenworthy should I see him in public again. I fantasized about giving him a big what-for in front of everyone. I would tell him everything I had felt and would shame him publicly. But fantasy and reality are two wholly different things.
I did see Travis in public again. Though I was nervous I pulled him aside and asked him, "Travis? Do you remember me?" When my sister's dogs do something wrong, they cower and hide their tails between their legs. He cowered in the same way. "No," he replied quietly. I thought that he was lying and so didn't bother to argue with him or retell the whole story. Instead, I quietly said, "I thought so, you were drunk. What you said to me was very rude and disrespectful and I hope it doesn't happen again." He mumbled "Sorry" and that was the end of it.
While I didn't say all that I wanted to say, it was a first step and at least I said something. Next time, I will have a voice and won't be so reluctant to use it. It was an upsetting experience but I learned from it. And so I would encourage all women out there to speak out when something like this happens. Don't be afraid to use your voice and use it loudly if necessary. Don't shrug it off because it's not okay.
In July, Qatnut, the trade fair, took place in Kotzebue. It was an eventful occasion because our Russian neighbors attended Qatnut and danced for us. They were fantastic dancers and had an array of interesting and sometimes funny dances. They are Siberian Yup'ik and wore real fur dancing regalia and beat drums made of skin. I love to watch dancing and I enjoyed myself immensely.
One night, following performances by various groups, I decided to take a walk around town. Although it was raining I wanted to reflect on the dances and just enjoy the evening. As I was walking towards 3rd street, I just happened to look to my right when I made eye contact with a young man who was evidently drunk. Not wanting to interact with him I quickly averted my gaze and continued walking. This didn’t work and the young man took our brief encounter as an invitation to talk and began to follow me while asking several questions. Not wanting to be rude, I answered his questions politely but briefly. He seemed polite at first and so I didn’t mind...too much.
As he followed me down 3rd towards the school I began to feel embarrassed because I didn’t want people to think that we were, in any way, together. He told me about himself, his work, where he came from, etc. I asked for his name because I wanted to know with whom I was dealing, just in case. Without even blinking he told me.
He followed me to the school and after informing me that he had to pee, very badly, he took off and went behind a dumpster (gross, I know). I took this as a chance to escape so I began running and ran around the school. I figured that he might’ve been too drunk to catch up so I let my guard down and slowed down to a walking pace. Not too long after I saw him running towards me. Arrrggggggh...he wouldn't give up! He seemed harmless but bothersome.
The discussion quickly turned to sex. He asked me to get a room at the hotel, to which I firmly replied no! Then he asked repeatedly, while laughing, if I was an escort. I took this as a way of him justifying his actions. If I was an escort, a prostitute, it was okay for him to talk to me this way. He was justified. I had to decline his offer to get a room several times.
Finally, as we were walking down 3rd again, he began to physically pull me to the side of the road towards some buildings. He did this several times even though I said "no!" I didn't feel that I was in danger but I was very upset. Finally, after several failed attempts, he gave up and took off.
Following the incident I vented to some friends via text. Some laughed it off while others simply said “Eew.” I wasn’t satisfied with these responses, I didn’t feel that they helped me in any way. I continued to think about the incident and discussed it with another friend at work. She told me, "I would have called the police." Now why didn't I think of that? So I decided to call the police just to see what my options were, should it happen again.
I called KPD and asked them what were my options were, if something like this should happen again? The dispatcher didn't tell me at first but simply asked "What happened?" I recounted my story and he transferred me to a police officer. After telling him what happened, he asked me if I knew his name. "Travis Kennelly..or something to that effect." "Travis Kenworthy?" he asked. "Yes, that's it! Shaved head?" "Yes, I know Travis. Do you want me to talk to him? If he was drunk he might not remember but I can still talk to him." I agreed that maybe he won't remember but yes, please talk to him, perhaps this will get him thinking. I left it at that.
There were several things about this incident that bothered me. First of all, this happens quite often. Drunk men accost women and because it happens frequently, people shrug it off. Take my friends' responses for example. The incident was more than just "eew." And just because alcohol was a factor, just because they were drunk, does NOT make it okay.
Secondly, drunk or not, is this how some men view women? As "escorts," prostitutes, women there to satisfy their sexual needs when they want it? Has our culture sexualized women so much that they are now just objects?
Another thing that bothered me was my response, or lack thereof. Even though I didn't want to talk to him, even though I didn't want him to follow me and even though what he said was offensive and disrespectful and wrong on many levels, I didn't say anything. I was almost complacent to shrug off the whole incident. I am a reflection of the culture and we live in a culture of silence. And perhaps this is what bothered me the most.
After giving it more thought, I resolved to confront Mr. Travis Kenworthy should I see him in public again. I fantasized about giving him a big what-for in front of everyone. I would tell him everything I had felt and would shame him publicly. But fantasy and reality are two wholly different things.
I did see Travis in public again. Though I was nervous I pulled him aside and asked him, "Travis? Do you remember me?" When my sister's dogs do something wrong, they cower and hide their tails between their legs. He cowered in the same way. "No," he replied quietly. I thought that he was lying and so didn't bother to argue with him or retell the whole story. Instead, I quietly said, "I thought so, you were drunk. What you said to me was very rude and disrespectful and I hope it doesn't happen again." He mumbled "Sorry" and that was the end of it.
While I didn't say all that I wanted to say, it was a first step and at least I said something. Next time, I will have a voice and won't be so reluctant to use it. It was an upsetting experience but I learned from it. And so I would encourage all women out there to speak out when something like this happens. Don't be afraid to use your voice and use it loudly if necessary. Don't shrug it off because it's not okay.
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