A BRIEF DISCUSSION OF COLONIZATION AND BOARDING SCHOOLS

I'm coming back to the idea of colonization, which is defined as the "cultural exploitation" that occurred with European/American expansion. European/American colonization drastically altered the societies it colonized, as it sought to 1) control 2) exploit 3) subjugate both Indigenous populations and their land and resources. 

We can also understand colonization through the attitudes and beliefs that colonizers had about Indigenous peoples. Many believed that because Indigenous people were different from European and Euro-American people, they were inherently inferior. This process is called "othering," "the Other" being anyone who basically wasn't white European/American/Westerner. The underlying mentality of "the Other" was that Indigenous people were "uncivilized" and thus were "savages" and needed to be "civilized." They could be "civilized" by giving up their identities as Indigenous people and assimilating into Western society. 

Not only did the government view Indigenous peoples as inferior, the U.S. government considered Indigenous communities as being “in the way” of its expansion and progress. As the U.S. moved West, the government’s primary goals were land acquisition and resolving “the Indian problem" and it attempted to accomplish these goals through violence, relocation, assimilation, and termination.

In it's push West, the government forced many Indian communities onto reservations and more often than not, these reservations were located on barren land, unsuitable for cultivation or hunting. The reservations were often located on land that the government did not want. Reservations still exist today throughout the U.S., with the Navajo Nation (Arizona, New Mexico, and Utah) being the largest.

The government also aimed to “civilize” Indigenous communities via assimilation into the dominant culture, especially through boarding schools. Richard Henry Pratt (1840-1924), founded of Carlisle Indian Industrial School at Carlisle, Penn., Because of his views, many view Pratt as an agent of cultural genocide. Many American Indian/Alaska Native children were sent to boarding schools, where they transformed the children by cutting their hair and dressing them in white attire, in an attempt “kill the Indian, save the man.” The images below show a "before and after" photo of a boarding school student.

Many boarding school children experienced physical, psychological and sexual abuse at the hands of authority figures. Children were punished for speaking their language and punishment ranging from having their hands whacked, having their mouths washed with soap, to being locked in closet. Former boarding school students often refused to teach their children their traditional language after being punished, resulting in loss of language in subsequent generations.

I had mentioned that my aana (grandmother) attended a boarding school at White Mountain. Students at White Mountain were punished for speaking Inupiaq and many didn't pass down Inupiaq to their children, which is why many of us do not speak Inupiaq. I will add that my aana has a 10th grade education and my taata had a 3rd grade education. It's interesting to note this because my aana did not teach Inupiaq to her daughters but my taata spoke Inupiaq to his sons, so much that my uncle, their youngest son, speaks Inupiaq very well! 

I will talk more about history of colonization and I also want to mention that I will be discussing the idea of "culture" and why I am so concerned with culture and how colonization affected Indigenous cultures. I know that some people might say to all of this, so what? So what if we were assimilated? So what if we lost our languages, traditions and customs? After all, assimilation is inevitable right? I will get to these in a bit! 

ON DEATH AND MY AAQA

In light of all the wonderful things that have been happening in my life lately, I've also been thinking about death. My aaqa (grandmother) passed away within the last year and it was the first time I had experienced the feelings that accompany death of a loved one so deeply. There have been deaths in my family before and they did affect me but I think that this was the first time I embraced those feelings without avoiding or altering them (I guess you could say that I mindfully accepted her death). As I get older, I have begun to develop a better understanding of love and loss and her death taught me a lot about these two things.

I read this simple quote: "From the moment we are born, we begin to die." The ultimate paradox. I think it's healthy to think about death because it is a natural part of life and we must accept the fact that we are all going to die, as are our loved ones. There is a sense of freedom when you are no longer afraid of death. 

My aaqa's death affected a lot of people because she was a formidable woman. Most people remember her for her kind, gentle soul - when they speak of her, they tell me that "she was the nicest lady." She was generous, humble, funny as hell, and very loving. This is how I remember her and I feel blessed that she was in my life. I have much to learn from her, from both her life and death.

I don't know much of her childhood except for what my mom shared with me, which was that she was mistreated badly. She married my aapa (grandfather) very young and became a mother at a young age. She raised my aunts and uncles while my aapa went off to work and she even raised many of her grandchildren as her own, to the point of them calling her "mom" instead of "aaqa." I feel special in that I am one of the few who actually call her "aaqa." 

Truth is, she did not have an easy life. She worked hard most of her life, taking care of the household and her husband. She hardly rested in life and witnessed tragic deaths - first the suicide of her son and the murder-suicide of my cousin Eric. She witnessed how alcohol and substance abuse affected her loved ones and their children. Towards the end of her life she became very sick,which was most likely lung cancer. Towards the last few days of her life she was in great physical pain.

And yet, through it all she never complained and never mistreated anyone, even though she had been mistreated herself. She knew tragedy and she knew hardship and yet she continued on.

I read another quote by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, "“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen." This describes my aaqa perfectly. She is one of my most beautiful people I've ever known and I think most people would agree.

She knew how to embrace pain and suffering and did not turn to drugs or alcohol to soothe her pain. She was incredibly resilient and possessed an inner strength that was profound and un-shakeable. When I think of her, I think of deep, still waters.

I want to be like her, I want to claim that strength for myself. I want to be able to embrace pain and suffering because life is hard and tragic at times. I've talked about sexism and misogyny in previous posts and wanted to write something about the strength of Inupiaq women in my life. Writing about her makes me miss her like hell but that's okay.

SELF-EMPOWERMENT

Self-empowerment. Yes. What does this mean to me?

It has been a long, arduous journey to get to where I am today. I am in a stable place and it feels wonderful. Wonderful: inspiring delight, pleasure; extremely good; marvelous. Yes! In some ways, I feel relieved. Relief: alleviation, ease or deliverance through the removal of pain, distress, etc.

Stability and normalcy are good when you have gone without. Incidentally, the word "normalcy" sounds made up but it is associated with Warren G. Harding and for some odd reason, I've always remembered that from one of my history courses. It was his campaign promise to return to pre-WWI society. What did America need, according to W.G.H? Healing, normalcy, restoration, adjustment, serenity and dispassion. Random tangent but not all together unrelated.

Anyway, I have a full-time, steady job and am currently enrolled in an awesome MSW program. I am pleased with my academic progress so far and feel motivated to keep going. I have my family and a group of wonderful friends, acquaintances and colleagues. Health-wise, I am probably the healthiest I've been in a very long time - physically, emotionally and mentally. I have clarity of mind and I feel driven by focus and purpose.

All this in stark contrast to five years ago! It was very painful at times and in the past, I wanted so much to escape those painful feelings. It felt like it was too much but now I realize that it wasn't too much - I just lacked to proper tools to deal with it in constructive ways. In light of everything, I am happy to be where I am today and I probably wouldn't change a thing. Well, maybe I would change a few things but there's nothing I can really do about that. I feel grateful for my experiences and I will say it was hard to get where I am today. Freakin' hard. 


How did I get through it? Well, when you hit rock bottom sometimes you have no choice but to go up. That's how I saw it anyway. I thought, crap, I've got to get out of this, but how? It started out with little steps. Jogging, if only for a few minutes at time. Trying to quit smoking, then trying again when I started up. Opening up here and there, crying to someone. Taking it day by day. Accepting that I couldn't change the past but I could change the present, I can change the here and now, this very moment, with hopes that I could somehow influence the future.

The hardest part out of all this, so far, has been having self-compassion. It's hard to accept yourself at your worst. I try not to judge myself in the past (practicing that mindfulness thing) but that takes discipline and effort. Brene Brown spoke of having self-compassion, that we can only begin to have compassion for others once we have compassion for ourselves. I think that this is true - we tend to judge/evaluate others based on out own self-perceptions. So how can we begin to fully love others until we love ourselves?

Scholars and academics explore whether empowerment is a process or an outcome, or is it both? I would say that it is both. Do I consider myself empowered? To some degree, yes. Was it the journey that led to self-empowerment, or was empowerment the outcome? Both. I guess in the end it doesn't really matter because my journey is not complete.

So what does self-empowerment mean to me? I think it means being able to control your own life, health, etc. It means being able to take care of yourself. But it's more than that - it means being able to accept yourself at your worst; it means having self-compassion and self-love. Once you achieve that, and only after you achieve that, then you can go out and change the world.

EMPOWERMENT THEORIES

In my theory class we've discussed theories of empowerment. What is empowerment?

In my opinion, empowerment theories are kind of dry and maybe a little boring but they are helpful in understanding society as a whole. On a broader level, empowerment theories address dynamics of discrimination and oppression. Although there is no one definition of empowerment, our textbook defines empowerment as "the process by which individuals and groups gain power to access resources and to control the circumstances of their lives.” Empowerment theories focus on the structural barriers that prevent people from accessing necessary resources.

What are structural barriers? Structural barriers are obstacles that are out of your control.

Therefore, empowerment theories emphasize:

1) Power - the ability to access and control resources and people. 

2) Stratification - the hierarchal nature of society.

3) Powerlessness - the inability to manage emotions, skills, knowledge and/or material resources. 

Stratification occurs as a result of inequalities of wealth, power, access to resources, and life opportunities. It occurs as a result of differences in gender, age, race/ethnicity, religion, linguistic groups, sexual orientation, disability, and class.

Empowerment theories examine the circumstances that produce inequality and oppression. These theories are helpful in understanding the current situation in which marginalized groups find themselves, such as Indigenous communities. They help us to understand why things are the way they are and they help us to understand how people respond to oppression (such as through unhealthy behaviors, etc).

Within the context of decolonization, would our ultimate goal as colonized Indigenous peoples be empowerment? Others may have a different opinion but I would argue no, our ultimate is not to gain empowerment.

Empowerment seeks to create equal access to power; it seeks to end the differential power status between colonized peoples and the dominant society. Sounds fairly reasonable, right? However, when looking at power, we must ask ourselves, whose power are we seeking? What kind of power is it? If we are seeking to gain equal access power within our current society, the problem of the colonial structure remains.

The problem with the colonial structure is that it is primarily based on white, patriarchal power. So even if we were to gain access to resources, that patriarchal structure remains. That structure perpetuates oppression and colonization through its institutions – the government, educational systems, economic structure. In my opinion, the ultimate goal of decolonization is to overturn the colonial structure…and doesn’t this sound rather intimidating and almost impossible?!

On a more positive note, empowerment theories aim to effect change rather than "blaming the victim" for their experiences with discrimination and oppression. Additionally, these theories provide models for self-empowerment and liberation on a personal level. I think that this is especially where these theories are important because rather than victimizing the individual, they encourage self-empowerment. 

Empowerment theories may help individuals realize their strengths and desires to engage in actions that support their own well-being. One definition of "empowerment" is having control of your life or health, autonomy, ability, self-efficacy, self-esteem and freedom. That would include controlling your own health, increasing the ability to control your own life, and on a broader level, having the ability to effect change in the world. 

IN THE SPIRIT OF VULNERABILITY

I find that as I lead a more balanced lifestyle of physical activity, eating healthy wholesome food, practicing spirituality (whatever that means), I feel that I have established stability in my life. My moods and emotions are more even-keel, my sleeping patterns have improved. I am better able to tolerate stress.

In the spirit of vulnerability and presenting (part of) my imperfect self, I will share that I have struggled with addiction in one form or another since I was 17. I know that much of it had to do with numbing or avoiding my emotions. I lacked the proper tools to deal with my moods and emotions in effective ways and so I would bury them deep inside or numb them through nicotine, alcohol, etc.

Brene Brown has been my go-to person for quotes lately. “The most powerful emotions that we experience have very sharp points, like the tip of a thorn. When they prick us, they cause discomfort and even pain...For many of us, our first response to vulnerability and pain of these sharp points is not to lean into the discomfort and feel our way through but rather to make it go away. We do that by numbing and taking the edge off the pain with whatever provides the quickest relief. We can anesthetize with a whole bunch of stuff, including alcohol, drugs, food, sex, relationships, money, work, caretaking, gambling, staying busy, affairs, chaos, shopping, planning, perfectionism, constant change, and the Internet.” 

I dealt with stress by smoking cigarettes, the more stressed out I would feel, the more cigarettes I would smoke. I drank copious amounts of coffee and energy drinks, such as Red Bull. I turned to alcohol - not all the time, but whenever things got especially stressful. Not surprisingly, I experienced a lot of anxiety! I only realized after I had quit smoking and quit drinking so much caffeine and caffeine-related drinks that these were all contributing to my high levels of anxiety. And the thing is, you get into this vicious cycle of getting stressed out, smoking more, getting more anxious, and so on.

I am a bit reluctant to share some things, primarily because they are quite personal. I think that we must be cautious when we are sharing our stories but I also feel compelled to share, especially because I find that I am in such a healthy place right now. Well, healthier than before, that’s for sure.

I started this blog with intentions of developing and expressing my own process of decolonization. Part of the process of decolonization is getting some of this stuff out in the open, talking about it. I want to own my story and I want to present my imperfect, authentic self. If anything, perhaps it can encourage others to own their stories too. We gotta talk about this stuff even if it makes us uncomfortable.

For the first time in my life, I am approaching life with clarity and purpose. I am fully aware of my moods and emotions and I am learning to embrace them, however painful or uncomfortable they may be. I aim to “lean into the discomfort” and feel my way through things. I am avoiding the urge to numb them through substances. 

I will end with one quote from “Garden State.” I typically don’t like to use a lot of swear words when I express myself but I’ll make an exception here. In this film, the protagonist, Andrew Largeman, must deal with his mother’s death. After years of being over-medicated and not feeling much, he stops taking his medication and is feeling things for the first time in a long time.

Andrew: Fuck, this hurts so much.

Sam: I know it hurts. That’s life. If nothing else, it’s life. It’s real, and sometimes it fuckin’ hurts, but it’s sort of all we have. 

RELATIONAL WORLDVIEW: HARMONY AND BALANCE

In one of my classes we discussed a model called relational worldview, which is an Indigenous worldview. We read a short article called "Relational Worldview Model" by Terry Cross, who is a member of the Seneca Nation of Indians. The National Indian Child Welfare Association developed this model in the 1980s and continues to refine it presently. It differs from the traditional linear worldview used by the field of social work.

The linear worldview is the European/American/Western worldview that is linear (duh), which uses the "cause-and-effect" approach. It's very logical, time-oriented and systematic and as such, it focuses on linear cause-and-effect. For example, when social workers are searching for interventions for a client, he or she may target the specific cause or symptom, rather than approaching the situation holistically. This approach is rather limiting and focuses solely on "the problem" and fails to address other aspects of the client's life.

Relational worldview, on the other hand, focuses on balance and harmony within a person’s life. It breaks down a person’s sense of balance into four areas:

Context – culture, community, family, peers, work, school, social history.

Mind – cognitive processes, thoughts, memories, knowledge, emotions/feelings, self-esteem.

Body – physical aspects such as genetics, gender, sleep, nutrition, conditions etc.

Spirit – positive and negative learned teachings/practices; metaphysical or innate forces.

These areas are in constant flux – just as these four areas change, so do a person’s emotions, feelings, and behaviors. We are not the same person at 4pm that we were at 7am. Our sleep will differ, our nutrition changes, and as such, our behaviors/feelings/thoughts will be different.Our systems are constantly balancing and re-balancing themselves and they are interdependent.

I will admit that Cross’s article was an exciting read for me, filled with exclamations of "Yes!" I really appreciated Cross's discussion of how interventions need not be targeted to one particular symptom or cause, but rather focused on bringing the person back into balance! I like this approach to healing because it is nonjudgmental and holistic. The breakdown of context, mind, body and spirit was helpful; the fact that these quadrants are in constant flux led me to an ah-ha! moment. Feelings, emotions, behaviors change, as do all the other areas/quadrants.

So, rather than stating that the person is the problem or has a problem, relational worldview would state that the person is out of harmony. Yes!

I like this model because it gives me a way to better understand myself, my moods, my thoughts, and my patterns. It shows me the inter-dependency of these areas of my life, so that I know that in order to be "healthy," I must ensure that I am eating well, sleeping well, exercising, and that my needs are met. I know that I must strive for harmony and balance in all areas of my life. It's a heck of a lot easier to focus on overall balance than it is to say "I'm going to stop drinking" or "I'm going to stop smoking." It has been my experience that when you focus solely on the problem, you kind of become the problem. You fixate on that one thing that you're trying to give up so badly and it's that much harder to stop that particular behavior.

However, when I started to work on all aspects of my life - getting more active by jogging, walking and bike-riding, I found that I felt better. Then I would want to eat better - then my moods would improve and I felt less and less desire to continue my unhealthy behaviors. Things started to balance themselves naturally and then it become so much easier to give up a lot of unhealthy habits. So you see, relational worldview is relevant!

Enough for this post - I will have another one shortly. I am full of energy and ideas at the moment and can hardly contain my desire to express myself.  

See you shortly. 

"DIG UP THE MEDICINES"

I feel as if I've gone through an intense and incredible period of growth within the last few months, as I'd mentioned before, things seem to come together at the right time. In my classes we've discussed all matter of things - life stages, vulnerability, mindfulness, and spirituality. It's been intellectually satiating and I must say that I love it when you can piece things together and draw your own conclusions. I love it when you are able to apply theory to life. 

I'm probably going to be talking about vulnerability for awhile because this has had a tremendous effect on my own development. 

In one of my classes we read a book on Indigenous women and life stages by Kim Anderson, entitled "Life Stages and Native Women: Memory, Teachings, and Story Medicine." Specifically, Anderson explores the life stages of Metis, Cree and Anishinaable women from about 1930-1960. The text is kind of a presentation of stories the author collected from her own communities.  She discussed customs related to pregnancy, birth, infant and child care, puberty rites, and gender roles.

I loved the author's introduction, which read, “My intent is to offer these medicines as a contribution to the healing process we call decolonization and, in particular, to encourage dialogue about the role that gender can play in that process.” She continues, “I hope that other peoples in North America and beyond will also take inspiration from the beautiful teachings represented in these story medicines.” By medicines she means “teachings." It is up to women to “dig up the medicines,” especially since women were the center and core of their own Indigenous communities.

I think her goal was to inspire other Indigenous communities, especially Indigenous women, to look to the past for stories and teachings, so that we may know our traditions and ways of being. This process is important to the process of decolonization because it encourages us to look to the teachings of the past to heal the present. It's a very positive and constructive approach to healing - and quite relevant to Indigenous communities because it encourages the practice of oral traditions and histories. 

She offers these medicines with humility and openness and that’s what really moved me.

Further, she offers these medicines for anyone who is willing to take it. I think that this sends a very important message to other Indigenous communities, as well as non-Indigenous communities who are willing to work with Indigenous communities, that we can help each other in our collective goal of decolonization. Her stories weren’t only meant for her own communities, she offers them to anyone who would read them.

The author encourages us to dig up our own medicines, whatever they may be.

Digging up medicines and sharing them - stories and teachings - requires some vulnerability. You have to be willing to share intimate, personal details with others. It's no easy feat but I really like the idea of digging up medicines and offering them to others to aid the process of healing. You can apply this concept to health and wellness, social work, and life in general, it's not exclusive to decolonization. Not only is it empowering for the person offering the medicines, it can be empowering to those receiving them.

Regarding medicines, I am reminded of my Indigenous friends, many of whom I met at Arizona State University, who have helped me in my own process of decolonization. It’s helpful to think of these processes and interactions as medicine and it helps me realize that we all have something to offer. Having that mindset gives my journey towards decolonization more purpose and direction.

I am also reminded of my friends and family who have shared their own medicines, individuals who have helped me in my own development and growth. I certainly would like to dig up my own medicines and offer them to others. This is my goal, my vision, of how I would to like to encourage healing in others. 

I would encourage you to dig up your own medicines, whatever that entails. 

GRATITUDE: A SHOUT OUT TO AMY

So, in my last post I mentioned connections as giving purpose and meaning to our lives - we all want and need to feel connected to others. Our lives are built around relationships - relationships with our parents, families, friends, romantic partners and relationship with a higher power, if you so choose to believe.

To quote Brene Brown, "I define connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel, seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship."

Yes!

With that said, this post is a shout out to my friend Amy, whom I recently "found."

It has been an amazing last few months as I get to know Amy more and more. We take walks and admire the sunsets and we've done some downright awesome things - sledding (sometimes in below zero weather), building a snow fort, playing hide and seek with the kids, etc.. Amy fits very well into our little clique. I use "clique" deliberately to highlight the exclusive nature of our lil gang...

"You and I are more than friends - we're like a really small gang."

I especially enjoy our conversations and the fact that we learn from each other. 

It's funny how things seem to come together at the right time. At this very moment, I feel as if I am in the right place at the very right time - personally, professionally, academically. Things that I learn from school - such as mindfulness and vulnerability - coincide very well with my personal life. I am learning to be mindful and embrace my vulnerability.

Amy had given me an article to read titled "a world framed by gratitude," by Ashley Abercrombie. I hadn't read it until this afternoon and I'm glad that I waited to read it because it fits perfectly into everything that has been happening lately!

Abercrombie quoted Brene Brown too, as well as living in the present but more importantly, she discussed gratitude. "Gratitude takes guts and gratitude takes work." It takes courage to say thank you, especially when life falls apart. Abercrombie wrote, "Contentment is not for the faint of heart."

We have a choice in how we respond to things, we get to choose our own attitude.

Martial artist (and brilliant guy) Bruce Lee put it succinctly:

"Choose the positive. You have choice, you are master of your attitude, choose the positive, the constructive."

One key thing that Abercrombie mentioned was that we we mustn't stifle our needs. Rather, we must share our hurts with trustworthy people, which will help us in our quest for gratitude. Gratitude, or "cultivating thankfulness," will in turn yield more meaningful connections to others. And so it's cyclical! 

I love how it all ties together - being mindful, vulnerable and thankful. These all require a deliberate, intentional, thoughtful approach to life. We live in the present, we acknowledge and accept our emotions and feelings, even the uncomfortable ones. We present our authentic selves and embrace our vulnerabilities. Rather than avoiding or numbing our emotions, we face them head on ("For this pain, thank you"). Although we cannot control life or what happens to us, we can choose how we respond. We can choose to have a positive attitude and be thankful. And then we can share this gratitude with others!

I'm thankful to be able to share these things with someone who is sensitive, understanding and accepting. Thank you Amy!

YOUR "AUTHENTIC SELF" AND VULNERABILITY

Yesterday I talked about mindfulness and left off with the idea of  "authentic self." I like this idea of "authentic self." What does it mean to be your authentic self? At the very heart of it, being your authentic self means embracing your own vulnerability.

In one of my classes we watched at TED Talks video of Brene Brown, who is a scholar, researcher and social worker. Specifically, she researches vulnerability, guilt and shame, and connection. I love her mind and the way she thinks - she is analytical, insightful, intellectual and spiritual. If you want to check out the video click on this link:

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability?language=en#t-193056

So, Brown mentions that connections give purpose and meaning to our lives. Unless you're a recluse or have some sort of pathological condition, we all want and need to feel connected to others. This makes perfect sense because when you think about it, our lives are built around relationships - relationships with our parents, families, friends, romantic partners, and if you're in the majority, relationship with a higher power, whatever that may be.

Well, as Brown stated, in order for connections to happen we must allow ourselves, our real selves, our authentic selves, to be seen. We must be willing to embrace our own vulnerability.

VULNERABILITY. If you're like me, vulnerability was always a scary concept. I didn't like feeling vulnerable, it felt too exposed. It made me feel defenseless. When you're vulnerable you risk getting hurt. Granted, embracing an "invulnerable" identity protects you from getting hurt but it also blocks out the good stuff!

Brown mentioned that at the heart of vulnerability are two things: 1) courage - the courage to be imperfect 2) compassion - the compassion to be kind to ourselves in order to be compassionate to others. We must have the courage to tell our real stories and we must be willing to present our imperfect selves. For those who have struggled with perfection and acceptance, this realization can be very liberating!

By embracing our own vulnerability can we than make true connections. "Connection as a result of authenticity." So what does embracing vulnerability mean in real life? It means having the willingness to say "I love you" first, it means doing something without guarantees, it means willing to invest fully in a relationship that may go nowhere. It means putting yourself out there, presenting your imperfect, authentic self and opening up to the possibility of getting hurt.

Oh but nobody wants to get hurt right? In my previous post I talked about mindfulness as being aware of your emotions and feelings; as not running away from them but embracing them. Being aware of your feelings would allow you to perceive your thoughts as just thoughts and not as reality. So perhaps this is where mindfulness can come in to help ease some of that emotional pain/discomfort that you may experience.

Let's say you put yourself out there and got rejected. I chose rejection in particular because it's something I've tried to avoid at all costs in my past life. Rejection, to me, felt like the end of the world.Yes, it would hurt and my initial reaction would be to numb or avoid these feelings. But if I am able to step back and observe my emotions as emotions and not reality, I just realize that although I feel rejected, I am still worthy.

Brene Brown's quote nails it on the head "You are imperfect and you are wired for struggle; but you are worthy of love and belonging."

I am only recently learning to embrace my vulnerability but so far, it has been so liberating. It's lonely living in your own isolated world, invulnerable to the pains and hurts of this world. As I mentioned before, you protect yourself from getting hurt but you block out joy, acceptance and belonging too. I find that as I expose more of my authentic self to the world - the more connections I make with people. Totally worth it!

SCHOOL, LIFE AND MINDFULNESS. ABOVE ALL - SELF-CARE!

I've been neglecting this blog because I've been so terribly busy with school and work. My day consists of working 8-5pm followed by 3-4 hours of school work, depending on how much work we have. I've also been busy doing some fun, awesome, wholesome things with an amazing friend! More on this later.

But I love school and the program and I feel that I am in the right place at the right time. I am learning a lot from our curriculum and I feel that I can apply a lot of it to my own personal life. I will continue to share with you but right now I want to focus on a few things that have meant the most to me lately. Perhaps these could help you with your own self-care. Side note: "self-care" is a term I've seen so much in the program - can you tell I am in the field of social work?! I love it and will encourage it from here on out.

In my social work courses we have discussed a few concepts that have touched me at my core - the first concept I would like to discuss is mindfulness.

Mindfulness - what does that mean? Mindfulness means being in the present, being aware of your own thoughts, emotions and sensations. Mindfulness encourages us to focus on our thoughts, emotions, and sensations - and accepting them without judgment. How does one practice being mindful, you ask? Simple.

1) Breathe! Focus on breathing to help you relax and perceive this very moment.
2) Pay attention to what is around you - your surroundings, sights sounds, your own thoughts and emotions.
3) Focus on physical sensations - taste and touch.
4) Do one thing at a time - avoid multitasking! Hard to do, I know, especially in this fast paced world.
5) Eat slowly and enjoy your food.

Some key aspects of mindfulness:

1) The present is neutral; don't allow your judgments to distort reality.
2) Don't judge your thoughts and emotions.
3) THIS ONE IS ESPECIALLY IMPORTANT - Don't avoid uncomfortable feelings! Rather than avoiding them, identify what you're feeling. In mindfulness, you move towards uncomfortable feelings/experiences intentionally. Rather than avoiding them, you embrace them - even the uncomfortable feelings.
4) Through mindfulness, you learn to observe your thoughts as "thoughts" as opposed to "reality," which means that you're able to "respond" to situations as opposed to "react." Through responding, you are able to choose how you respond. By doing this, you are able to take the "high road" in life.

I tend to daydream - a lot. If I am bored or uncomfortable with something, my mind wanders. I think about the past and the future and the eternal - which aren't bad things in themselves. But my mind is always elsewhere which means that I am not living in the present! It has been difficult to focus on and identify my thoughts when I'm so accustomed to avoiding or altering them. 

I think that a lot of people try to avoid, alter or numb their thoughts and feelings through alcohol and substance abuse.  Or perhaps they are work-aholics or exercise-aholics or what-have-you. Here's the thing - those feelings that you're trying to avoid will still be there later. I've learned this lesson myself.

Truth is, there's beauty in confronting your emotions and embracing them, even the painful ones. It's human to feel and experience your emotions. Not only that, it is empowering when you realize that your emotions don't control you. As a person who was, more or less, governed by my emotions and feelings in the past, practicing mindfulness is helping me to become more of my authentic self.

"Authentic self" - I love that idea! Which brings me to my next post - vulnerability. This will have to wait, however, because I have some papers to write.

Peace out and practice self-care!

NANA REGION VERNACULAR

“Your accent is starting to change,” a friend recently told me.

“Really?” I asked. “What do you mean?”

“When you talk, it’s more sing-song, your intonation goes up and down. And the way you pronounce certain words...”

“Huh, I hadn’t even noticed.”

A long-time friend recently commented on my changing accent during one of our phone conversations. Apparently I am beginning to sound more like Kotzebue people! I was pleasantly surprised to hear this especially considering that I’m often told that I sound like a white person. After she had mentioned this, I began to consciously listen to myself and I found that I do say things a certain way and that I couldn’t really help it.

It’s funny how language works. Since I have been back in Kotzebue (for four years now), I have acquired, or rather, re-acquired, a number of habits and mannerisms that I had all but forgotten after living in the city. Many people in the NANA region often use body language to express themselves. Some examples: 1) the eyebrow raise 2) the face scrunch 3) the shrug.

The eyebrow raise occurs when someone asks you a question and you answer “yes” by simply raising both your eyebrows. A lot of nurses tell me that when they first started working in the region, they thought that patients were ignoring them when they asked them a question, only to find out later that they were indeed answering “yes,” but just with their eyebrows. I find that I do this a lot more, especially when I am in Kivalina. Why answer vocally when a simple eyebrow raise would suffice?

The face scrunch is something that is particular to this region, it would seem.The face scrunch, or nose scrunch, occurs when you answer a “no” by scrunching your nose. My aaqa did this a lot and it’s a very cute gesture. My little cousin takes it one step further and scrunches very quickly, so that she looks like a squirrel or bunny rabbit.

The shoulder shrug is self-explanatory - when you don’t know something, you shrug your shoulders. You also shrug your shoulders when you've stated something and you really don't have that much more to say about it.

I find that it is easy for me to transition from one form of communication style to another. When I am speaking to family, my accent comes out a bit but when I am speaking formally, i.e. to strangers or in formal situations, my city accent comes out. It’s not that I am trying to be two-faced, it’s just a way of adapting yourself to various situations. My mom has the same habit, when she is on the telephone with a stranger or formal acquaintance, she sounds professional and formal. When she is talking to family from home, her accent comes out, intonation and all. It’s actually funny to notice the huge change that occurs.  

I think it’s especially cute when non-Inupiaq kids pick up NANA region accent and vernacular. My Latina friend and her husband are originally from California and have been raising their children in Kotzebue for the last several years. I think it’s so adorable when their kids speak with an accent and use Inupiaq expressions like “arriii!” or “I want to follow!” Nurses will often mention how their kids are picking up the accent as well.

Here are some common NANA region expressions:

1. “Arriii” - an expression of displeasure, dislike. A very Inupiaq phrase - people, especially kids, say it when they are whining or complaining.
2. “To follow” - when you want to go with someone. Adult: “I’m going to the store.” Kid: “I wanna follow!”
3. “Yuh” (as in, yes, yeah, uh huh). This is one of my favorites lol, especially how Kivalina people say it.
4. “I never” as in “I didn’t” - “I never eat yet” etc.
5. “How many” instead of “several.” For example, “I haven’t been home in how many years.” I noticed that my brother-in-law started saying this after having been married to my sister for...how many years.

Some other common practices:

1. Speak in the present tense whenever possible. This is especially true when story-telling - a storyteller will recount a story in the present tense, as if in his/her mind he or she is reliving the story at that exact moment.
2. NANA region vernacular seems a bit passive, at least, from my perspective. For example, if you want someone to hand you something, some people will say “Try hand me that,” or “try move.” Perhaps it's a way of being more polite or wanting to seem less demanding. I prefer to be a little more direct and say “Can you hand me that please?”
3. Many English-first speakers will anglicize Inupiaq words, like adding English suffixes to Inupiaq words. For example, I heard someone once say “It’s alapaa-er there” (“alapaa” means “it’s cold”). When children are talking of someone who qivets (“qivet” means “to sulk”), they will call that person a “qiveter," or "so-and-so is qiveting."

NEW JOB, NEW SEMESTER, NEW LOCATION!

Hi there! I have been exceptionally busy these last two months. I have found a new job in Kotzebue and have relocated to Kotzebue and am now a permanent resident! I am in the process of looking for an affordable place to rent here which is no easy feat - an efficiency goes for nearly $1300 here. So, for the last month or so I have been packing and cleaning and getting ready for my move.

I also made a special trip to Arcata, California for a 3-day intensive for school. I am enrolled in a part-time MSW program at Humboldt State University and traveled to campus to meet the instructors and my cohort. I must say that, so far, I love the program, the curriculum and the instructors! The instructors are passionate and so far (in the 2 weeks since we started) the course materials are stimulating and challenging. I am enthralled to begin this new journey and am looking forward to the next 3 years.

While in Arcata I got to see one of my very good friends after four years and had the honor of meeting her 3 year-old son. I was happy to see my friend and her family again and am looking forward to our time together in the next 3 years, since I will have to make a yearly trip to campus. My friend and her family are awesome - they are very kind, gentle, funny people. I have learned a lot about what it means to be human in my interactions with her and her family. They are from the Hoopa Valley Tribe and I've had a glimpse of what it means to be Indigenous in California. I would like to share my experience today.

While in Arcata, my friend was going to show me some of their ceremonial grounds, where they held dances and such. We were driving along the highway and suddenly stopped - I thought that we were going to check out some tourist attraction, perhaps a pretty view of the ocean. As it turned out, we had arrived at the actual location. This kind of shocked me because their traditional land is located in the heart of State, public land. The highway is right there, where there is little to no privacy.

She showed me their houses they had built and I was taken aback that there were tourists walking around. She explained to me that their land was also on State land, so that they often had to contend with tourists walking in on some of their ceremonies and taking pictures. One time, they had built a ceremonial fire only to come back to see a white family roasting marshmallows and hot dogs in the fire. Regarding use of their traditional land, they must jump through several bureaucratic hoops with the State to use it. For example, when they want to have special events, they must plan ahead and start the approval process very early (in the meantime, it is okay for tourists to do whatever they want whenever they want).

I was speechless and this terrible feeling in my gut because our experience in Kotzebue is very different. For example, we have fish camps where we go to prepare traditional food. These camps are typically outside of town and so they are relatively isolated and we rarely see tourists or outsiders, save for the occasional State Park people doing research on birds or what-have-you. We certainly don't get tourists coming in and taking pictures whenever they want to (although I have had white strangers taking random, unsolicited photos of us at in Anchorage and Kotzebue).

That experience has stayed with me ever since and I understood oppression at a deeper level. Americans are very aware of personal space, we typically don't like people intruding upon our personal space. And yet to have tourists coming in when my friend was sharing with me some of their personal things made me think that it must be that much more worse for her family.

There is also that sense of entitlement on part of the tourists. I would never think to go to someone's church ceremonies and take random photos of the people and yet, many tourists feel that they are entitled to do this. I think that it is a prime example of privilege too, both white privilege and the fact that my family and I have special privileges that my Hoopa friends don't have. That experience made me realize that we take our land and privacy for granted.

I will talk a little bit more about white privilege sometimes soon (this was actually a topic in one of my classes and so it will be interesting to revisit it).