ON DEATH AND MY AAQA

In light of all the wonderful things that have been happening in my life lately, I've also been thinking about death. My aaqa (grandmother) passed away within the last year and it was the first time I had experienced the feelings that accompany death of a loved one so deeply. There have been deaths in my family before and they did affect me but I think that this was the first time I embraced those feelings without avoiding or altering them (I guess you could say that I mindfully accepted her death). As I get older, I have begun to develop a better understanding of love and loss and her death taught me a lot about these two things.

I read this simple quote: "From the moment we are born, we begin to die." The ultimate paradox. I think it's healthy to think about death because it is a natural part of life and we must accept the fact that we are all going to die, as are our loved ones. There is a sense of freedom when you are no longer afraid of death. 

My aaqa's death affected a lot of people because she was a formidable woman. Most people remember her for her kind, gentle soul - when they speak of her, they tell me that "she was the nicest lady." She was generous, humble, funny as hell, and very loving. This is how I remember her and I feel blessed that she was in my life. I have much to learn from her, from both her life and death.

I don't know much of her childhood except for what my mom shared with me, which was that she was mistreated badly. She married my aapa (grandfather) very young and became a mother at a young age. She raised my aunts and uncles while my aapa went off to work and she even raised many of her grandchildren as her own, to the point of them calling her "mom" instead of "aaqa." I feel special in that I am one of the few who actually call her "aaqa." 

Truth is, she did not have an easy life. She worked hard most of her life, taking care of the household and her husband. She hardly rested in life and witnessed tragic deaths - first the suicide of her son and the murder-suicide of my cousin Eric. She witnessed how alcohol and substance abuse affected her loved ones and their children. Towards the end of her life she became very sick,which was most likely lung cancer. Towards the last few days of her life she was in great physical pain.

And yet, through it all she never complained and never mistreated anyone, even though she had been mistreated herself. She knew tragedy and she knew hardship and yet she continued on.

I read another quote by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, "“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen." This describes my aaqa perfectly. She is one of my most beautiful people I've ever known and I think most people would agree.

She knew how to embrace pain and suffering and did not turn to drugs or alcohol to soothe her pain. She was incredibly resilient and possessed an inner strength that was profound and un-shakeable. When I think of her, I think of deep, still waters.

I want to be like her, I want to claim that strength for myself. I want to be able to embrace pain and suffering because life is hard and tragic at times. I've talked about sexism and misogyny in previous posts and wanted to write something about the strength of Inupiaq women in my life. Writing about her makes me miss her like hell but that's okay.