IN THE SPIRIT OF VULNERABILITY

I find that as I lead a more balanced lifestyle of physical activity, eating healthy wholesome food, practicing spirituality (whatever that means), I feel that I have established stability in my life. My moods and emotions are more even-keel, my sleeping patterns have improved. I am better able to tolerate stress.

In the spirit of vulnerability and presenting (part of) my imperfect self, I will share that I have struggled with addiction in one form or another since I was 17. I know that much of it had to do with numbing or avoiding my emotions. I lacked the proper tools to deal with my moods and emotions in effective ways and so I would bury them deep inside or numb them through nicotine, alcohol, etc.

Brene Brown has been my go-to person for quotes lately. “The most powerful emotions that we experience have very sharp points, like the tip of a thorn. When they prick us, they cause discomfort and even pain...For many of us, our first response to vulnerability and pain of these sharp points is not to lean into the discomfort and feel our way through but rather to make it go away. We do that by numbing and taking the edge off the pain with whatever provides the quickest relief. We can anesthetize with a whole bunch of stuff, including alcohol, drugs, food, sex, relationships, money, work, caretaking, gambling, staying busy, affairs, chaos, shopping, planning, perfectionism, constant change, and the Internet.” 

I dealt with stress by smoking cigarettes, the more stressed out I would feel, the more cigarettes I would smoke. I drank copious amounts of coffee and energy drinks, such as Red Bull. I turned to alcohol - not all the time, but whenever things got especially stressful. Not surprisingly, I experienced a lot of anxiety! I only realized after I had quit smoking and quit drinking so much caffeine and caffeine-related drinks that these were all contributing to my high levels of anxiety. And the thing is, you get into this vicious cycle of getting stressed out, smoking more, getting more anxious, and so on.

I am a bit reluctant to share some things, primarily because they are quite personal. I think that we must be cautious when we are sharing our stories but I also feel compelled to share, especially because I find that I am in such a healthy place right now. Well, healthier than before, that’s for sure.

I started this blog with intentions of developing and expressing my own process of decolonization. Part of the process of decolonization is getting some of this stuff out in the open, talking about it. I want to own my story and I want to present my imperfect, authentic self. If anything, perhaps it can encourage others to own their stories too. We gotta talk about this stuff even if it makes us uncomfortable.

For the first time in my life, I am approaching life with clarity and purpose. I am fully aware of my moods and emotions and I am learning to embrace them, however painful or uncomfortable they may be. I aim to “lean into the discomfort” and feel my way through things. I am avoiding the urge to numb them through substances. 

I will end with one quote from “Garden State.” I typically don’t like to use a lot of swear words when I express myself but I’ll make an exception here. In this film, the protagonist, Andrew Largeman, must deal with his mother’s death. After years of being over-medicated and not feeling much, he stops taking his medication and is feeling things for the first time in a long time.

Andrew: Fuck, this hurts so much.

Sam: I know it hurts. That’s life. If nothing else, it’s life. It’s real, and sometimes it fuckin’ hurts, but it’s sort of all we have.